BAM! TV – 02/24/2010 w/Amy Lindsay – Part 2 from Dr. Dennis Neder on Vimeo

When I think of sexual knowledge, I think of things like: understanding what sex is, what role sex has in a human life, whether we can identify what sex acts are moral or immoral, etc.  At an even more fundamental level, the very words we use to think about sex can influence our thoughts about it.  These more fundamental senses of sexual knowledge are necessary to really understand sex: after all, you wouldn’t go out and try to play baseball without first learning the nature of the game and its rules, would you?  It’s not that we don’t need to know sexual technique, we do, but if we cannot understand sex at the more fundamental levels, then all sex can ever be for us is just a source of physical pleasure, when it has the potential to be so much more as well as more pleasurable.

To begin our journey into sexual knowledge and the understanding necessary to make sex into one of the most valuable aspects of our lives, we need to understand the words we use to talk about sex and their meanings: we need to understand sexual etymology.

Interestingly, the idea of “knowing” and sex has long had a connection, which is particularly prominent in the Western tradition.  The bible uses the euphemistic “to know” for “to have sex with.”  In this way, one knew a person “in the biblical sense” if they had had sex.  Plainly, knowledge and sex go together; however, this need not be this literal.  Our knowledge affects not only how we think of sex, but it can also affect what we do sexually.

Let’s take a fairly straightforward example: masturbation.  We all know what masturbation is, right?  Colloquially, it’s “playing with yourself,” “jacking off,” “rubbing one off,” “polishing the pearl,” and all of the other fancy names we use to describe the act of auto-eroticism, or sexual self-pleasuring.  The problem is, though, that what word or term we use to think about this act can influence how we think about this act.  To think of it as “playing with yourself” is light and playful, it recognizes the pleasure of the act and the joy that it can bring, as well as the knowledge of our own bodies we gain.  However, what would we think of the same act if we thought of it as “self-defilement”?  This is, after all, the etymological root of masturbation (which we shall explore in the second installment of this column).  It’s not the same mental picture at all and perhaps we would likely not even want to engage in such behaviors.

Although the word masturbation has lost much of its etymological origins in “self-defilement,” it is obvious that some of this negativity survives.  Think, for example, of those poor adolescents who are led to believe that pleasuring themselves will lead to blindness, hairy palms, infertility, and perhaps even dead kittens.  These are obviously all false, but they are insidious nonetheless because they seek to establish that self-pleasuring is bad, by trying to connect it to something else bad.  However, this is not to say that one might not have a legitimate reason to abstain from masturbation, but that we must be careful how we define the words we use.

As a society, the major ideas that we hold shape our language.  As an individual, our language can shape our thoughts.  However, as society is simply an aggregate of individuals, each of us affects the culturally prevalent ideas, the zeitgeist, that leads to changes in our language.  Thus, in the situation of language and ideas, there is a complete causal circle with each part affecting the others.

As individuals, we should take the responsibility to make sure that our understanding of words is clear and corresponds to our actual beliefs.  Just because there are multiple words that point to the same thing (e.g. self-pleasuring, auto-eroticism, self-defilement), this does not mean that each of these is mentally equivalent.  We need to be careful that the definition and connotation correspond to what we believe.  If we believe that masturbation is dirty, then we will naturally tend to use words that make it sound dirty.  The danger, though, is that if we believe that masturbation is good and pleasurable, but we still use words that signal that it’s dirty, then we run the risk of slowly convincing ourselves that it is actually dirty.  After all, words are what we think with and if we constantly use words that signal that masturbation is dirty, we will likely come to believe it.

On the other hand, sometimes words that are currently negative need to be reclaimed for practical reasons: to disarm your opponents, to clear up negative connotations where they shouldn’t be, and to make positive what was once negative.  We can see an example of this in the LGBT movement and the reclamation of the historically negative word “gay” and the fight for the word “fag.”  These are instances where the words are not changing their actual meaning (denotation), but the associated ideas that go along with them (connotation).  These words still mean “homosexual,” but throughreclamation, they need no longer imply that this is bad.

By now, I hope you are starting to see that the words we use can make quite a difference in our lives.  Knowledge of sex at its more fundamental levels will be the purpose of my column and its impetus: to show how the underlying issues of sexuality affect all aspects of our sexuality.  Initially, I will do this by working through issues of sexual etymology.  Once we have a good handle on the words we use about sex, then we shall move into more complicated issues like what role sex should have in a human life and whether sex is subject to a special set of ethics.

Jason Stotts blogs at Erosophia and is working on his first book, tentatively titled Sexual Perfection: Foundations of a New Sexual Ethic, on the nature of sexual ethics and the deeper meanings of sex. The book is currently being represented by James Fitzgerald of the James Fitzgerald Agency New York.

 This was my first time attending Glide and fortunately the founder, Cecil Williams, paid a rare visit and gave a rousing sermon. Of course many preachers have a gift for stirring up their congregation with platitudes and promises but Cecil Williams really has made a huge positive difference in his community so when he speaks of making the world a better place to live you can’t help but pay attention. He spoke about being a Freedom Fighter and embracing people of all races, genders and sexual orientations.  The words Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender scrolled across the back wall in a continuously playing slide show as he spoke.

 But most impressive to me was the congregation and the choir, both of which beamed with an amazing level of joy, acceptance and that rarest of gems, SELF-acceptance. I can honestly say I have never before been in a room so full of love. Certainly many if not most gatherings of like minded individuals will shake hands, express sentiments of welcome and even offer hugs (12 step groups especially!) but too many times these demonstrations of acceptance fall a little flat as each person strives to hide some aspect of themsevles which they fear may be judged or rejected. What astounded me was the depth of sincerity at Glide. 

 When Cecil proclaimed his love for everyone in the room, instead of it souding like a corny attempt to bring attention to himself, I got a lump in my throat. It isn’t the words we utter as much as the energy those words carry which can hurt or heal. And one of the first freedoms we must fight for is the freedom to be true to ourselves and our unique expression as an individual. Regardless of why and where we gather to share our passions, purposes or problems I think we can all strive to bring more action to our love and more acceptance to our groups. The fruits of true love and acceptance are just too powerful to miss. When each of us feels accepted as we are and where we are, that love propells us to dream bigger dreams and achieve bigger goals. When we are loved by others, it is easier for us to love ourselves and when we live from a place of self-love and self-acceptance, we are also able to give more love to others.

 It is incredibly inspiring to witness and participate in that action oriented practice of love so if you get the chance be sure to check out a Sunday service at Glide Memorial.  I am not a Christian and it just didn’t matter to me or anyone else there. Even if church isn’t your thing, you might walk away with inspiration you can carry into your own efforts to fight for freedom whether in a group, family, workplace or through activism.

  My good friend and mentor Cosi Fabian (pictured below)  is someone I consider a freedom fighter and she was recently interviewed on the topic of Sacred Prostitution. You may not be aware that Cosi Fabian was the first to go public with the concept of revitalizing the ancient traditions of sacred prostitution. Her voice is intelligent and takes on mythic proportions due in large part to the fact that she is a skilled story-teller. I know you will enjoy her presentation on this important and intriguing topic.  Listen to Cosi Fabian here!   – Veronica Monet 

 cross-posted  with the The Wealthy Woodpecker                                                                             February 2010 Newsletter

Providing You with an Holistic Approach to Sex and Spirit

Veronica Monet, is a certified sexologist and author of several books,                                    including Sex Secrets of Prostitutes 

 Image: Cosi Fabian, Sacred Prostitution

Everyone who saw it over the past 7 months said it was empowering… and then @#%#! … three people in a row said that it was sexist and youth based. 

What do you think? Comment here and check out the FB Poll

We still think it’s empowering.  March is Women’s History mo nth in the U.S. and March 8 is International Women’s Day. We won’t profile  a woman every year, but thought it a wonderful image to launch our day.

We’re open to your ideas and images for our 2011 poster, as well as the slogan. What should we say after “Let’s Talk About It?”

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A PR contact, who  represented a condom company, suggested I write a Congressional Resolution for sex, as a way to get some buzz going for America’s Sexuality Day in ’2009.

I thought he was nuts, but I’m often a rather obedient woman, and within a day wrote the text below. I even knocked on some doors while I was in D.C. that February. It got quite a few smiles from aides, on both sides of the political aisle, but it was clear that I was no Anthony Comstock. No resolution for sex in 2009 was going to get passed as quickly as the landmark censorship against sex did in 1873. Anecdotally, dear Anthony got Congress to pass the sweeping piece of national legislation in just a few hours in one day, on March 3, the last day of that Congressional session.  The Comstock Act  broadly made illegal: sexual education, sexual content in the arts, let along any hint of sexual misbehavior– all on behalf of protecting the American people. Parts of the Comstock Laws remain in the books to this day, and it sired a legacy of restrictions on sexual expression that you won’t know about until it affects you.  

FACTS:                                                                                                                                                                                

•  Congress has never officially recognized the significance of sex to our individuality, humanity and democracy. 
• And the Supreme Court has yet to  include sexual  speech as one of the  protected forms of speech. 

What does this mean to you, or any of us? First Amendment attorneys can be a lot more specific, but basically your sexual choices are not fully protected in the lay of the land, and more concerting is that what rights you do have– if you can figure out what they are- could be taken away, at any time, with a quick legislative swipe of the pen by your state and local government, Congress or a Supreme Court decision.

Democratic governments  have long grappled with balancing any individual right to privacy and liberty with the need to protect society, at large. Our constitution leaves much room for interpretation, as a living document should. The debate is not as easy as it appears, because sex itself is complicated in its own right. Many people who believe in sexual freedoms might not all agree that government’s role is to protect them. What about sexual abuse and how do we guide our  children in a media environment that thrusts cleavage and pelvic gyrations in all our faces?  It’s easy to say parents are responsible for what their kids see and do, or that sexual abuse is punished under rape and victim laws. But here, too, the answers are too simplistic in the real world. Our future posts will add more detail and opinions from lawyers and philosophers and advocates about the many complexities  of sex and the law and how it affects your sex.  

But back to why did I draft this text for a Congressional Resolution for Sex?

Simply because sex needs to be affirmed.

Between all the scandals and all the laws against it, sex fundamentally needs to be acknowledged,  to  say that it is important, probably the most important thing to humanity as a whole, right along there besides food, water and shelter.

1. Starting  March 3, you’re invited to add your 2 cents to what I’m affectionately calling “The Edit The Sex Text,”  or more specifically “National Sexual Awareness and Free Speech Day” 
2. ( we’ll add it to a forum or ning network as soon as we can, so you can discuss and edit it more easily, comparing other people’s comments by sections, along with yours, too)
3. on September 17,  Constitution Day, you’ll be invited  again to add your John Henry to the final petition.
4. We will present the petition to Congress on the Bill of Rights Day December 15, 2010
5. Lobbying for its its passage on March 3, 2011, on our own America’s Sexuality Day, the anniversary of Comstock, while singing The Star-Spangled Banner ( It’s National Amthem Day, on March 3, too!)
6. and if we miss? We’ll petition it  again.

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The Preliminary Text for the Congressional Resolution for Sex Petitioning Congress to approve March 3 as National Sexual Awareness and Free Speech Day, on the anniversary of The Comstock Act of 1873. 

SYNOPSIS of the Five Section  

>1. Sex and Gender shape our human experience   > 2.The role of arts, education and equality are important for sexual knowledge >3.  Celebration of pleasure as the pursuit of happiness >4.  The Comstock Act harmed democracy   >5.  Honoring sexual dialogue benefits and strengthens individuals, families and democracy      =    Therefore, We the People, petition Congress, to Affirm March 3 for Sexuality and its Free Speech

1.  Whereas, sexuality and gender are indisputably inseparable from human experience in shaping individual identity, eros and culture;

2.  Whereas, the arts, education and adherence to civil rights are fundamental to understanding, enriching and upholding the inherent sexual nature within our humanity;

3.  Whereas, individual sexual expression contributes to the pursuit of happiness;

4.  Whereas, the Comstock Act, adopted by Congress on March 3, 1873, unjustly restricted sexual education, culture and individual freedoms, causing immeasurable harm to educators, artists and countless individuals and families, who in turn, were implicitly denied from benefitting from them;

5.  Whereas, honoring sexual awareness furthers personal education and societal wisdom, helping to prevent sexual abuse and victimization, supporting familial cohesion, and empowers democratic discourse, embracing the very definition of the fabric of our nation, as a whole;

We herewith, ask Congress  to recognize March 3, 2010 as National Sexual Awareness and Free Speech Day.